Monday, June 18, 2007

Spider-man 3 destroyed




OK then if your still here and reading then you are one of the few brave or foolhardy enough to have ether watched this travesty or are seeking a sneek peek into the plot...

oooh bloody hell where can i begin, lets start with Toby himself, his distinctly lacking performance this time round combined with his all new 'chunky spidey' look failed to inspire on EVERY level far be if for me to complain on the poor guys weight gain but i mean spidey is supposed to be the single most athletic and agile superhero in the Marvel universe bar none and although Miguire may have been specifically playing the character 'post teen angst' he merely came off as out of his depth as an adult actor trying to play a part that has simply became too big for him.

*last warning folks plot below*

Basically The whole film starts off in a homage the mid-90's cartoon 'return of Venom' arch with Peter finding a small meteorite which on closer inspection contains a black substance that appears to be alive, at this point most people who know the 'real' origins of Venom sighed in relief that this wasn't going to be the 'cancer cure' Venom so indulged in the 'Ultimate Marvel' universe but at the very least sticking at least in part to frankly my favourite Villain/antihero's origins.

None the less instead of taking said rock and alien to the scientific community and making a fortune Peter decides to keep it and let his scientific curiosity get the better of him. During this time Mary Jane has apparently made it big in Broadway and is staring in a musical...and to be frank....sucks...in fact sucks SO bad she if fired after only one night and is 'critiqued' to death by every paper in NY however she chooses not to tell Peter, around this time Flint Marko (the sandman) escapes from jail and in an almost comedic mockery of his origins gains his sandman powers while being chased down by the authorities.

Elsewhere Peter visits his Aunt May and explains to her that he wishes to propose to MJ and after receiving his Aunts blessing (and her engagement ring as an heirloom) Peter makes his way home (still on that goddamn moped from the second movie!*1) however he is attacked by the new Green Goblin who as we all knew is Harry Osborn and finlay the first fight of the movie begins in which our dear Goblin Jr gets his booty kicked and ends up receiving CPR from Peter and rushed to the hospital where they soon discover he has short term memory loss (how convenient) a modicum of sanity is returned and he reverts back to the pre-goblin Harry of the first movie. Around the same time we are introduced to Gwen Stacy (Peters lab partner in MIT and part time model who just happens to be the daughter of the chief of police) and Eddie Brock Jr (this Gwens 'wannabe' boyfriend and Peters 'rival' photographer at the Daily Bugle) in a totaly pointless and over the top 'Save me' which hearkens back to the comic book 'death of Gwen stacy' storyline and shows us exactly why people like Topher Grace should NEVER EVER be a aloud to play an antagonist in any film EVER as he continually try's to inject a '70's show' style of humour and campness to what is traditionally a hard edged and sinister character. We later see Brock and Parker in the Bugle offices both with pictures of the Stacey save after which J Johna Jamson offers a staff job to both of then photographers if they can get a picture of Spidey 'with his hand in the cookey jar' stealing something, after a quick exchange between Brock & Parker basically with Peter saying he (Brock) will never get the shot and Eddie stating that he can and will.

We then has a whole wasted fifteen min's wasted with NY holding a 'spider-man day' and giving the webslinger the Key to the city where we see Spidey give Gwen a perfect ''spider-kiss'' (the same sort of kiss he gave MJ in the first movie) as a photo opportunity, suffused to say MJ is NOT amused and storms off. Around this time Eddie is seen speaking to Gwen in an attempt to gain a second date but the now infatuated Gwen explains to Brock that they only had coffee and that see was looking for something more in a man implying spider-man leaving Brock devastated.

Ok up to now the movie has stuck reasonably close to the presets of the characters and in its own way doesnt diverge too much from its comic origin...soon after 'pulling himself together he robs an armoured truck and is confronted by Spidey who he kick seven shades out of...however in a leap to create more even more drama they introduce Sandman's daughter and THEN introduce him as the REAL killer of Uncle Ben. This as you would expect rather pisses off Peter and he go's on a one man crusade to find and bring Marko to Justice, over a montage we see Peter in his traditional Red and Blue pacing the floor listening to a police scanner waiting for a sighting of the sandman, as he paces he slowly grows tired and falls into a fitfull sleep and has a variation on his recurring nightmare of his uncle Ben's death but in this variation it has Flint (sandman) as the shooter, as he dreams we see the Venom symbiote sloughing across the floor and bonding to Spidey....soon after we have the classic 'hanging by a thread' in the black costume having no clue where he is or how he got there image and soon after revelling in his increased power, agility and speed.

As peter arrives home he is confronted by a warning on the scanner that a sandstorm has been sighted in midtown NY, spidey arrives (in black) just as Sandman makes his escape through a drainage grate into the NY subway, wasting no time our new 'darker' hero in a demonstration of his new found strength tears the grate (and a sizable amount of the street) up just as Eddie Brock Jr turns up with the truly campy line 'whoa nice costume buddy! I like the look it realy works on you' and asking him to give him some 'web action' Spidey is having none of it and webs (and smashes) Brocks camera and quickly makes chase of the escaping sandman, however as he leaves we see Brock with a digital camera (he had in his pocket) snapping shots of the robbery.

In the abandoned area of the subway we see a tired and apparently frustrated Sandman being stalked through the darkness by the Black costumed Spiderman and with a burst of newfound aggression we see the spider tear into Marko/sandman like a madman even going so far as to grind away half of the sandmans head on a passing train, it doesn't take long for then to fight there way to the lower section of the subway where the sandman becomes partially emerged in water and as Spidey watches becomes becomes considerably weaker and almost unable to hold himself together, An enraged spider watches this for a few moments and noticing a sewer outlet (that has been rivet sealed) starts to tear the metal away (something the red & blue non-symbiote spider-man simply couldnt have done) in a show of strength and unleashes a torrent of water (or sewage) right into the weakened sandmans face and seemingly kill's him.

We soon see Peter at his Aunt Mays explaining to her that uncle Bens killer has been murdered by spider-man, a confused and concerned May Parker explains that that this isnt possible as Spider-man doesn't kill much to the frustration of Peter as he cant understand why she isnt happy that her husbands killer is no more to which she explains that 'it isnt our place to make that judgement'. Upon returning to his apartment Peter is confronted by his landlord about his rent being late which soon escalates into a heated argument with peter ending it by saying i'll pay when you fix this damn door (as he forces and warps the hinges) the landlord is shocked and a little frightened by this saying 'hes a good boy...he must have something on his mind'. Inside we see peter confused at his own anger and suddenly remembers hes still wearing his black costume under his street clothes, he quickly removes it (locking it in a box) and taking a sample of the costume to Dr Kurt Conners at MIT for analysis. Dr Connors explains that the costume is alive and it shows Symbiotic behaviour and under no circumstances must Peter let it to touch him as once a symbiotic creature bindes to a host creature its almost impossible to remove.

The time has come for Peter to propose to MJ and after an exchange with the single most stupid and quasi-comedic french waiter he opts for the traditional ''ring in the champers'' proposal however he still doesnt know that MJ was fired from her musical and procedes to bring it up as a congratulatory point in match with his 'spidey-day' and that she has to put the bad review behind her as he points out that as spider-man he had MORE than his fair share of bad press and yet now the city loves him, before MJ can explain that her feelings art hurt and that its not the same thing we see Gwen make an untimely entrance and introduce herself as Peters lab partner at MIT (something at this point peter hadn't even thought to do) and calling him a certified genius and promptly excusing herself to continue her meal leaving a fuming MJ and peter alone, Perter (being a tactless idiot) calls for the Ring/champagne just as MJ chooses to claim she lost her appetite and leave, we watch as peter retrieves the ring from the glass with a fork and dry it off on a napkin alone.

Things go from bad to worse as he makes he way home as he sees the evening edition of the Bugle with what appears to be a picture of the Black costume spidey making off with money from the previous nights robbery and to make matters worse the picture was taken by Eddie Brock Jr.
the next morning a furious Peter arrives at the bugle only to see Brock surrounded by his peers congratulating him on outing spidey as a thief and making JJJ happy for the first time in years. Peter approaches Brock and points out that the picture seems oddly familiar to him, Eddie claims to have no idea what hes talking about and in a fit of rage Peter grabs Eddie and slams him into the wall smashing the framed front page and hissing in Brocks ear that he knows its a fake slamming the original picture (with lighting points and shadows that Brock missed in the photoshopping process marked) on the table and alerting the offices to the disturbance, Brock dismisses this as roughhousing and proceeds to beg Peter not to tell anyone and that he's sorry, Peter still incredibly angry tells him ''if you want forgiveness find religion'' handing the evidence to Robbie Robinson and storming out saying ''show THAT to your editor''.

MJ is soon seen applying and getting a job as a singing waitress at a local jazz club and not feeling like wanting to talk to Peter seeks companionship in the form of her newly sane (and no longer hospitalized although still having no memory of being the Green Goblin) friend Harry Osborn. After a brief food/musical/dance number they momentarily share a kiss and despite apologies on both sides MJ decides to leave rather than tempt fate. In frustration with his lack of self control Harry pick up a decanter of alcohol (like in SM2) and as he does he is confronted with his fathers voice claiming that he has forgotten him and stating that he was always right about her and about Peter and in a flash of black and white memory montage we have our Goblin back (sinister smile & sanity optional) his fathers voice then details a plot to get back at Peter by using MJ destroying the Spider from the inside by attacking his heart and making him wish he was dead before destroying him utterly.

The 'evil' Harry confronts MJ in her apartment in full goblin garb and forces her to do as hes says or that he will simply kill her and destroy him that way MJ agrees to do as he ask's, To this end he has MJ meet Peter in the park and has her break up with him a very confused Peter produces the engagement ring and explains that he still loves her and that he wanted to marry her, barley holding it together MJ blubs that she found someone else and quickly makes her exit leaving Peter dumbfounded and alone again, at the same time Harry applauds the devastated MJ's acting abilities as she makes her way out of the park and prepares for phase two of his breaking of Peters spirit.
Peter seeks solace in Harry (whom he still believes his his old self) in a local cafe explaing to Harry what MJ said in the park and how hes not sure he can go on, Harry seizes the moment to deliver the coup-de-grace and tells Peter the HE is the other man... It takes all Peter has to get up and leave the cafe but as he does he crosses the road he glances back to see the smiling Harry enjoying pumpkin pie in the cafe and as a truck passes by Peters spider sense flashes & Harry is gone.

we are then forced to watch another 20 min montage of the devastated Peter retrieve the Black costume form its lock box and watch as the costume influences his actions turning him into a very very lame ''lady's man'' all to a lame musical score even to the point that we see Peter do a 70's show esque dance down the street and frankly i dont wanna talk about it but it culminates in a song and dance number when he takes Gwen on a date to the same Jazz cafe/bar that MJ is working in, this ends in Gwen realizing she was just there to get back at MJ and running out after apologizing to MJ and Peter picking fight with the bouncer and in anger lashing out hitting MJ and comming to his senses when he notices hes still wearing the black costume.

Now During the above montage (which will no longer be mentioned EVER*2) we see Peter confront Harry in what can only be classed as a superpowered brawl through Harrys home which sees Peter mock Harry with the line '' oh come on Harry your father never loved you, he though you were a Joke!....oh whats wrong?...little Goblin Jr gonna cry?'' to which Harry enraged throws a Pumpkin Bomb at Peter which he easily avoids webs and tosses back at the weakend and pummelled Harry which promptly explodes in the Goblins face.

*ok enough of that back to the 'story' well what there is of it*

Peter has at this point just left the bar and is to say the least very confused but relaiases that the suit is responsible thanks to a flashback to a phone call with Dr Connors in which hes is told that the symbiote increases all base emotions (most notable aggression) and is amplified by adrenalin (something thanks to the web slinger's actions he has in abundance) peter then makes his way to a secluded spot atop a church*3 which at that moment Eddie Brock enters and kneels to pray and asks God to Kill Peter Parker, Peter at this time enters the bell tower and attempts to separate himself form the symbiote costume striking the bell with his head as he does so and alerting Brock to him being there & in the process weakening the symbiots hold*4. Entering the base of the tower Brock stares up at the struggling spider-man and notices that the man tearing at the costume is in fact his rival Peter Parker however as he does so a piece of the symbiont falls off and ataches itself to Brocks hand and as it does the other shed pieces on the floor react to his presence and begin bonding to the new weaker hoast and in the process create the entity know as Venom*5 leaving the naked and passed out Peter Parker atop the tower.

Venom however is mistaken soon after by a newly regenerated Sandman as the black costumed Spider-man and promptly attacks however after a (very) brief fight Flint agrees to assist the newly formed venom in destroying Spider-man utterly by using the knowledge granted to Brock via his symbioses to set a trap. Capturing MJ and hanging her in a huge web inside a taxicab with a truck full of cement blocks hanging over her suspended over a building site while the sandman keeps police at bay so that a traditional rescue is out of the question, at the same time Venom sends a message written into the lattice of his Web ''stop us if you can spider-man''. Peter more than gets the message and dons his traditional Red & blue costume but soon understands he doesn't stand a hope in hell against both of them at the same time seeks out the help of his former best friend Harry Osborn and his villainous alter ego The Green Goblin, Harry is tragically and horrifically scarred on one side of his face from his previous encounter with Peter and refuses to help his former best friends, Peter leaves him with the words ''she needs us Harry'' and promptly leaves. Harry flops down in the still shattered remains of his goblin armoury lifting a technically enhanced katana from the floor as he is approached by his family butler who informs him that 'he has seen many terrible things take place in this house'' but one thing he had seen he cannot hold any longer with lives at stake, he go's on to explain that he cleaned the wounds on Norman Osborne's body and that although he hoped Harry would honnor his father and his legacy even if that meant vengeance against spider-man as something to continue living for that the wounds that killed Norman we inflicted by his own glider and NOT by spider-man and that since his injury and the return of his friends to his life Harry had been so much happier that he couldnt take that away from him any more.

Meanwhile Spidey has made his way to where Venom and Sandman have MJ held hostage and proceeds to be beaten to a pulp by a 60ft sandman and the now demented Brock/Venom, however before the fatal blow can be struck The Green Goblin/Harry fires a high powerd pumpkin bomb into the head of the sandman fusing the sand to mica and shattering it with a missile from his glider, shocked by this turn of events venom makes a rapid and tempory retreat, after a brief exchange and reconciliation Peter and Harry join forces in a frankly corn fed feel good BS ''super hero team up'' and stomp the sandman into submission by breaking down the sandmans body and fusing it to glass so he cannot regenerate without regressing back to his original size. In the mean time the Spidey Goblin team up prociedes to beat the hell out of Venom and rescue MJ, Venom is now weakened and up against a wall facing both 'hero's' when he spots Harry's glider and in a true sense of deja vu the villain extends the spikes and charges at the wall crawler and in a fit of heroics harry throws himself in the way of the blades saveing the spider but dooming himself but as he falls he knocks into scaffolding pipes and produce a ringing tone that tears through Brock and the symbiote before falling off the building (down to the same ledge they earlier left MJ on) Spidey however has taken advantage of his friends sacrifice play and used the piping to continue to cause pain to Venom partially separating them with each bombardment of noise, creating a cage of the tubing around the creature and striking them to keep it contained and in pain , as the symbiote begins to seperate from its hoast Spidey webs the naked and confused Brock and pulls him clear of symbiote and the cage respectivly and grabs one of the enhanced pumpkin bombs form Harrys discarded glider primes it and throws it at the now hoastless symbiote but before it can detonate Brock dives into the biomass and is consumed by it as the bomb explodes and athough we see a skeletal mass in the flash we only see a few tendrils of the symbiote burn and die after the flash dissipates. As peter turns he sees the Sandman standing solemnly saying he docent want to fight only to explain, he tells peter that the bungled robbery was to get money for his daughters operation and that Ben Parkers death was not directed in anger but truly an accident and that in some way some how hopes that Peter and his family can forgive him, Peter does and as he does Flint Marko allows the wind to take his body and he falls apart taken by the currents and is swept away.

Swinging down to the ledge Peter watches his friend slowly bleed out in the arms of the woman he loves but is unable to do anything to stop it, as he passes away he makes amends and apologizes to his friends and wishes them well. The film ends in another homage to the first film with the burial of another Osborn, and we watch as Peter and MJ get back together and Peter says goodbye to his friend.

The End



There now NOBODY EVERY HAS TO WATCH IT EVER!!!



*1.little known geek fact, Peter Parker NEVER got his driving licence...well he's had his webs since he was 15...why would he need one?

*2.No im serious it realy IS that bad and truly destroyed the latter half of the film...honestly it was at that exact moment my inner geek died and i almost walked out fo the cinema.

*3.Another little know fact...this is the SAME church as seen in Daredevil and is on the corner of Yancy street The home/birthpalce of Ben Grimm
AKA the Thing of the Fantastic 4.

*4.The Symbiotes in the comic only had two tradional weaknesses these were flame's and sonics (loud noise) however it was shown that as a servivial instict the symbiote will hide these weaknesses form its hoast untill a full symbioses (bonding) has taken place and the entity cannot be removed without killing the hoast. however it has also been shown that a true bonding cannot take place untill the hoast accept the the symbiotes nature as a living sentient entity and shown a willingness to bond.
Athough the Symbiotes reproduse Asexualy most symbiotes possess a female oriated personality and thus seek out a male hoast as a prefrence for perminate bonding. A prime example of this is the Venom Symbiotes 'love' for Peter parker and when refused by him seeking out somone who hated him to spite 'her' former 'lover'. And like a woman it takes her a LONG time to get past her first love's rejection.

*5.Venom (the symbiote not Brock himself) has reproduced only once in the official continuity in the form of her daughter Charnage who bonded to the Phycotic mass murder Cletus Cassity who in turn also reproduced (despite Carnages rejection of the idea) an offspring who bonded with a NYPD officer Patrick Mulligan to become the entity known as Toxin and much like the Venom Bonded Spider-man chose to be a hero...well he does try...but the symbiotes youth and lack of self controll can at times be a bit of a pain in Pat's butt but much like his parent and grand parent they have achieved a true symbioses and because of it are FAR stronger than boath Venom and carnage combined while retaining his mind and total controll...well at least while he's awake...Toxin somtimes takes Pats's body for a joyride at night, but hey every relationship has its problems...right?

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